(click on images to view them full size)

Stresslaxing - Believe it or not is the emotional response (often anxiety) triggered by trying to relax.

As humans we’re an interesting bunch - ok we can be down right bizarre - I can be down right bizarre and a little bit judgy (I’m working on that)! I came across this term stresslaxing and I was curious enough to find out what it was all about, so I spent some time diving down the rabbit hole of researching into it - this is one of the many things that I love about retirement - having the time and space to explore and research and just learn new things.

Yes I was that kid who used to read the Encyclopedia Britannica for fun - I was curious and it had colour images, but I digress…..

My research brought me to this new phenomenon which has emerged where the actual act of relaxation itself induces stress. This rather paradoxical experience is known as stresslaxing and it’s a term that tries to capture the anxiety sparked in some people, who when they are stressed, attempt to relax, but find themselves incapable of doing so. One of the thoughts around this is that you are in such a stressed state that the thought of relaxing induces more stress because you’re worried that you’re not working on what made you stressed in the first place. What?!?!?!?

This cycle continues with increased elevation of the stressed feelings and then rather than addressing the source of stress or allowing yourself a much needed time out you reach the state of overwhelm with symptoms like sleeplessness, depression, brain fog and other stress associated manifestations that can be difficult to break.

At first I was perplexed by this term and the phenomenon that was described. Was this just some new thing? Another buzz phrase among a plethora of buzz phrases? Was it real? I thought how can you get to a point of being so stressed that relaxing makes you more stressed due to the fact you’re not working on what was causing you the stress in the first place?

When I start to get all judgy about something - it usually means that there is something hitting a bit too close to home, so I thought I’d dig in a bit deeper.

Reflecting back on my work experiences.

When I took a few moments to ponder the description of stresslaxing, I began to think back to when I was working and under some really tight and onerous deadlines. There were times when I wasn’t sleeping as my mind would be racing and replaying the daytime scenarios or to do lists over and over. I know that for me, the solution was often to take a time out - to go for a walk or just get away from the stress situation long enough to let my mind slow down and my thoughts reground. Did this always work for me? No. However when I did take a time out I made sure that I was fully present in the moment and not thinking about what I should be doing. I think that I have a unique skill of being able to compartmentalize different parts of my life - in this case it was a positive skill as it gave me the space to decompress.

That seems to be a significant differentiator from the stresslaxing phenomenon - that inability to let go and not feel guilty about relaxing. To me this is a sure fired way to lose perspective and in fact my taking time outs was to gain perspective and enable myself to come at the stresses from a different direction - admit I needed help to accomplish the goal, break the situation down into bite size pieces and focus on the next step, or find some other way of addressing the overwhelming feelings.

Ok so I didn’t find any work experiences that seemed to relate to stresslaxing - what about recently during these renovations which have been overwhelming at times.

I have in fact experienced a number of the symptoms described above during the last six months (sleeplessness, agitation, and brain fog. I wondered if what I’d experienced could be termed stresslaxing.

I have had 3 planned trips in the last 6 months and each one came at very inconvenient times (Iceland when we were deciding to make an offer for the new house, New Brunswick that came a few weeks after the move and shortly after closing the deal on the old house and Khutzeymateen Grizzly Bear Sanctuary that came at a critical point in HVAC system renovations).

I can recall just prior to each of these trips feeling anxious about going away and leaving some unfinished business. I also recall some sleepless nights and feeling guilty about relaxing while Kory was still working hard (expect for the last trip which we did together). Was I suffering from stresslaxing? Possibly, however the feelings were pretty short lived and resolved by good honest conversations between Kory and I. Rather than sit and suffer with the anxious feelings we talked it out and agreed on a best way forward.

What does the literature say?

As I read more about stresslaxing I found references to possible triggers including the denial of stress, excessive self-demand and even overwhelm from an abundance of decisions or choices to be made. When I delved into these triggers further I found some common themes.

In the denial of stress when there are clearly significant stresses at play, it is apparent that the person is avoiding facing up to the reality of the situation or is avoiding uncomfortable emotions. Therefore if someone is suffering from stresslaxing and denying their stress it would make sense that unconsciously they might be uncomfortable with relaxing or treat it like an obligation and these tendencies could lead to the amplification of their stress levels - that cyclic expansion of stress triggers when trying to relax. This might be even more difficult to address because of the denial - or hidden nature of what is actually going on.

This didn’t feel like it fit for me as I’m not one to deny when I’m feeling stressed - it’s one time that I’m not good at covering up.

I read that another catalyst for stresslaxing can be excessive self-demand which can be linked to perfectionist tendencies (I wrote about this in All or Nothing). We are definitely in a producing culture - a society that constantly pushes for productivity and achievement which can lead to people feeling required to maintain a relentless pace - always needing to be “on” or topping the last achievement or worse doing better than someone else. I can definitely see how taking moments for self care or relaxation could be perceived as wasteful or unproductive and lead to feelings of guilt or stress. Getting on that hamster wheel and feeling like there is no way to get off or slow it down can lead to escalation of those stress feelings and eventual burn out or overwhelm.

There is also great irony in having to navigate the societal pressures to be successful and productive while simultaneously feeling societal pressures (especially social media feeds) promoting the ease of doing things - these definitely raise tension and conflict in how to balance life. This tension can actually make being mindful and relaxing into something more akin to a skill that needs to be perfected or a task on a to do list - thus contributing to the cycle of stresslaxing. When I view it this way - I can see how this can escalate and get out of control.

The common denominator

When I read about these situations that can manifest as stresslaxing, it became clear to me that there is a common thread and that is feelings of being alone in the situation, not being able to share or feelings of isolation. When I reflected on my work and post retirement life it is obvious that there have been situations of heightened stress and for prolonged periods of time, however in each instance I didn’t shoulder the stress alone - I reached out and spoke to someone, spent some downtime to reground and reflected on ways to address the underlying stress.

In each of the instances above, the situation is exacerbated by feelings of not being able to address the underlying stress and having to take care of everything alone.

I think the hamster wheel analogy is a good one because we can get so caught up in what we think needs to happen or what we think we need to do that we lose perspective. We don’t need to continue on the hamster wheel. The world will not end if we take a break to gain some much needed space and perspective.

I’m not suggesting that I’m better than anyone else, or that I have this all figured out. I am just reflecting on my situation and trying to understand where stresslaxing may be at play. I am also recognizing that I have some positive behaviours that may counteract stresslaxing - including unplugging from the situation to gain perspective and sharing the load with a trusted confidante.

I find that talking things through really robs heightened emotions from their power - isolation tends to elevate my perception of stressful situations as I lose clarity of the situation.

What do I take away from this?

I’m still not fully bought into the concept of stresslaxing - is it real or just the latest buzz phrase, however I do see a lot of people caught up in a sense of urgency about doing or being a certain way and meeting unrealistic deadlines or increasingly raised goal posts. I’m not saying that I have this all figured out - people who know me have seen me not manage stressful situations very well, however I do know that since I’ve made some intentional shifts in my way of living - e.g., mindfulness meditation, seeking connection and fostering self care - I have been getting progressively better at dealing with stressful situations as well as living a more meaningful life with better sleep.

After writing this blog post I left this topic to percolate in the back of my mind (I write about my blogging process here) and now we are into December and I’m seeing Christmas decorations adorning the shops - suddenly I started thinking of stresslaxing in relation to the holiday season. How marketing and very suggestive advertising and those Christmas movies can get us caught up in the hype of having the perfect Christmas - I can definitely relate with that (just ask me sometime about Christmas lasagna!).

Feeling exhausted and burnt out, but pushing ourselves to continue to prepare for a holiday season that seems to stretch longer and longer now. I’m wondering how many people are feeling caught up in the stress of the holiday season and associated financial issues from overspending and if this is leading to an inability to decompress and enjoy connection which is what this season is supposed to be about? Are people suffering from Christmas holiday season stresslaxing?

What are your thoughts about stresslaxing - is it real? Do you or have you experienced it or know someone who does? What are your thoughts around addressing this phenomenon? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below or reach out to me via the Connect With Me button.

I hope you’ll come back soon, share a cuppa, relax and enjoy more of my musings.