Maintaining Balance
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Searching for work/life balance before retirement led to...
I recall that during my working life I was constantly searching for balance - I felt the pull from work and an even bigger pull from home to have my attention. I will admit that there were a lot of times when I didn’t get the balance right and I feel that my home life suffered as a result. In addition I think that my mental and physical wellbeing suffered - not just from the actual stress of the situation, but also the additional stress of feeling guilt and regret for not being present for my family.
I reached a point where I wasn’t sure where work ended and home began - the two bled into each other so much. I was fortunate to have an understanding husband who figuratively held up a mirror and asked me how much longer I was going to do this to myself. After some pretty difficult soul-searching I made some very positive changes in my life such as leaving work at a reasonable time and not bringing work home unless there was some urgent time dependent matter (I made sure that this was a less than 5% of the time occurrence).
Balance mechanism on an antique grain weigh scale.
I also stopped working on weekends with the same caveat and I turned off email notifications on my phone. My role required me to be on call, so I made sure that I was available by phone if there was an after hours emergency and my work colleagues were good about respecting that boundary.
Instead of falling behind in work, I found that I had more energy and was more efficient when I was at work. I was also more present at home and generally feeling more relaxed and rejuvenated during my downtime. I also believe that my work colleagues noticed a change in my demeanour and my ability to be flexible and resilient as things inevitably changed.
So what happened when I retired?
The whirl of a propeller in the breeze.
I thought that once I retired this balance challenge would be resolved and I would float into a peaceful and fulfilled existence (yes another retirement fantasy - see this blog post for the others). As you can well imagine this is not what happened. I immediately plunged into a whirlwind of activities - connecting with friends for coffees and walks, hot yoga workouts, walking Roxy, photography walks, sitting on a Board, mountain bluebird nest box monitoring, meditation, cooking, volunteering to name a few of the things that I took on - this was in addition to regular day to day activities with Kory and household duties.
I quickly felt overwhelmed and I recognized that I would often feel resentful about what others’ were able to do or about not getting help or….. not doing retirement as well as others I know, or…….
Brené Brown defines resentfulness in Atlas of the Heart in a way that really resonated with me.
Resentment is the feeling of frustration, judgment, anger, “better than,” and/or hidden envy related to perceived unfairness or injustice. It’s an emotion that we often experience when we fail to set boundaries or ask for what we need, or when expectations let us down because they were based on things we can’t control, like what other people think, what they feel, or how they’re going to react. (Brent Brown - Atlas of the Heart)
A calm corner set aside as part of my self care routine.
When I find things overwhelming or when that resentment sets in - it’s a great clue that I have failed to set effective boundaries or I have failed to ask for what I need. Have I mentioned how much I hate asking for help? It makes me feel lacking or weak.
Ironically I still find that I continue to go through the swinging pendulum of too busy back over to chilled relaxation. There is a part of me that wonders if this is how I am meant to live my life (one extreme to the other), but thankfully there is another part of me that knows while there is going to be some fluidity in my level of busyness, I am not meant to live an all or nothing life.
I believe that I am seeing a shift in the extremes of the pendulum swing and they seem to be getting less. This feels more manageable, sustainable and like positive progress.
Unexpected and unintended consequential effects
Back at the start of the year (before the house purchase craziness - see this blog post if you missed it ) I found myself in a photography funk. By this I mean that I was uninspired to pick up my camera which is very unusual for me. I spent some time trying to understand what was going on and I believe that it was a swing in my pendulum of emotions brought on by being overly busy (starting a blog, taking on a speaking engagements, taking on some new volunteer activities, tax season, starting strength training and Macros 101 eating to name a few) that led to the lack of inspiration and creativity around photography - the funk as I call it.
I was not prioritizing an activity that is crucial for my mental wellbeing. Mornings (my preferred time for going out with my camera) had become increasingly booked up and I kept thinking that next week time will open up and I’ll be able to get back to my photography (a bit of that All or Nothing mentality kicking in).
Gorgeous morning light during a photowalk when I did prioritize getting out with my camera.
This thinking is destined to lead to failure as something continues to come up that can bump a photography walk plan - at the time I made a decision to block out time for my photography walks in order to make sure that I prioritized this activity - I found that it really helped a lot.
I have an all or nothing kind of approach to many things
A wonderful book for someone with perfectionist tendencies.
It has become clear to me that I have an all or nothing kind of approach to many things which is a trait common in people who have perfectionist tendencies. I wrote about the All or Nothing mentality here.
Perfectionists continue to set the bar higher and higher with success being measured as 100% of the goal achieved and anything less is failure (even 99.9%).
No credit is given to effort or even partial success which can lead to a kind of paralysis preventing a person from even starting an activity especially people with perfectionist tendencies - i.e., you are so worried about not being able to hit 100% that you spend all your time focusing on the steps you need to take and end up not ever taking that first step.
Note I am very intentional about saying people with perfectionist tendencies rather than labelling myself or anyone else as a perfectionist.
Labelling implies it is a character trait and therefore fixed rather than a behaviour which can be changed with intentional focus.
Gratitude - an important reminder.
I have been working on making intentional changes to this approach and part of that is incorporating positive affirmations into my day where I acknowledge and even express pride in my achievements and my failures. I spend time trying to understand what I have learned from both, but especially my failures as this is where the real gold is.
So how am I doing now?
Journaling forms a big part of my inner work.
I started writing this blog post in the early spring, but put it aside as I was having difficulty formulating the ideas that I wanted to convey - this was long before we put in an offer on a new house, moved and got into a huge renovation project. At the time I was really struggling with finding balance and I often felt resentment around not having the time to do all of the things that I wanted to. I find that when I’m in the middle of something like this that it is good practice to write down my thoughts - don’t censor them at all and just get them out of my head. Then I can leave them for a while to percolate. It’s amazing how much my brain continues to noodle over thoughts and concepts when I do this. Eventually I get back to finish or resolve the struggle - it’s at a time when I’m much more ready to take steps and what I wrote forms a spring board starting point for me.
I have done a lot of inner work on this and especially around the fact that my resentment stems from me not setting clear boundaries (which can lead to me feeling overwhelmed with commitments) or not asking for what I need (which can lead to me feeling frustrated that people are not mind readers).
Mountain bluebirds balancing on a barb wire fence.
What I have found is that when I set clear boundaries and expectations around activities and things that I want to achieve that I am less prone to take on too much and I am also less prone to feel overwhelmed.
I also seem to be able to articulate what I need more clearly and maybe that is because I’m being more intentional and clear with myself about what I want.
I marvel at the way birds are able to seem so surefooted as they balance on precarious perches when I often feel that I’m doing an abysmal job of balancing.
As always I’m still a work in progress, however I have been finding more balance and contentment recently - especially since the moving and renovations have calmed down to a more manageable level.
What do I take away from this?
I used to think that my inability to have more balance in my life was due to external forces and other peoples’ expectations of me, however it has become very clear to me that balance is within my control. It is about me setting realistic expectations and implementing effective boundaries around those expectations. Prioritizing relationships and activities that are important to me also helps to maintain that balance. I really like that this is my choice and within my control as it means I can put flags in place to ensure that I don’t head into the overload zone.
Who would have thought that there is still the push/pull of life balance in retirement? Do you ever struggle with achieving balance between work and home, or family and personal commitments? If so how do you try to work through this, or do you ride the pendulum as I have been prone to doing? I’d love to hear your thoughts either in the comments below or feel free to drop me a note by clicking on the Connect With Me button.
Perfectly balanced rocks on the seafront in Reykjavik.
final image is what gets used for the thumbnail
I hope you’ll come back soon, share a cuppa, relax and enjoy more of my musings.
