Wordplay
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My lifelong love affair with words.
I have always loved language and words - one of my earliest memories was sitting on my dad’s knee at the breakfast table picking out words in the newspaper as my mum cooked breakfast. She was always playing words games with us when we went for walks - memory games where we’d have to remember long chains of words or come up with definitions. This fed my innate love of words.
My love affair with words and books now has a home in our library. (iPhone photo)
Confession time - my love of words, reading and learning new things led me to read the Encyclopedia - does anyone remember those huge volumes of information? They were the first place we went to when researching term papers for school. I used to particularly enjoy learning the meanings of new words or rather where they came from. It is still something that tickles my grey matter.
When my photography friend Heather recommended a book about made up words related to modern phenomena - I knew that I needed to get a hold of a copy.
I wrote about this book (The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows - John Koenig) when I discussed the word Sonder in this blog post. As a side note, Heather and I sent Freeman Patterson a copy as he is also fascinated with words and their meanings. He was delighted with the book and sent me a note about the word sonder - in Afrikaans sonder means without, so another interesting layer to that story.
I read from this book most nights before going to sleep and it is filled with delightful made up words that are derived from different aspects of our modern society. The words are often derived from some other terms or languages and this makes it even more interesting to a word nerd like me.
My latest word obsession
The most recent word that has captured my attention and fancy is alazia. I just love how that rolls off the tongue and has an almost lyrical feel to it. According to John Koenig - alazia (I love how autocorrect keeps trying to change it to Alaska) means the fear that you’re no longer able to change - (it’s made up of combining the Greek allazo (to change) and dysplasia (abnormal development of tissue).
He goes on to explain the background behind this meaning as it relates to current cultural situations and this explanation also resonates with me. Our parents see limitless potential when they view us as we start along our life journey - I mean we could be anything or anyone at that point. We learn and grow through their support and teaching until they hand off that responsibility to us and ask what we want to be when we’re older. We continue to develop, learn and grow as we experience life, but sometimes there are obstacles, disappointments, hurts or even traumatic events along the way.
Rigid crystalline layers built up over multiple days of Rhime frost and that slightly out of focus inner core. (EXIF data F11, 1/640s, 105mm, ISO1000)
Each of these life experiences leaves some sort of imprint or scar which leads to building just a little bit more of a protective shield or shell. That shell hardens over time and eventually we get to a point where we’re unwilling or unable to change the shape of that shell and our world/approach becomes much more rigid. At that point we begin to experience alazia - that fear that we are no longer capable of changing ourselves to become who we deep down inside know we are meant to be. Those moments when our response to something triggers a thought like - this isn’t how I want to respond or this isn’t the me I thought I was are associated with alazia.
Can alazia be reversed?
Since retirement (and even pre retirement) I’ve been going through a lot of personal growth and change. A lot of self reflection and focus on removing some of those layers of shields that no longer serve me. I’m amazed and surprised when I feel one starting to peel away and then slip completely to reveal a new more vulnerable layer of me.
Delicate layers of texture revealed with successive ICM (intentional camera movement). (EXIF data f16, 1/3s, 120mm, ISO64)
What caused me to recognize that I wanted/needed to make changes? Again it’s been a lifelong periodic exercise that I do around self reflection to determine if I’m living my values and if this is how I want to show up. When I identify examples of times when I’m not doing those two things - then I know it’s time for some honesty, hard work and change. Trust me - I don’t enjoy it and I often dread doing the hard work, however I still do it.
The delicate balance between a Northern Flicker and Black Capped Chickadee at the bird feeder. (EXIF data f3.2, 400mm 1/1250s, ISO500)
I often flag a need for change when I feel myself responding in a manner that is rigid or entrenched, so in an attempt to become more balanced and resilient in my approach I take stock and do the hard work. The first step is recognizing where I want to be heading and then really understanding why I am off track.
It’s hard work and requires a lot of brutal honesty with myself (or from a trusted confidante) to get where I want to be, but I think that alazia is reversible.
Each time I come face to face with another layer and I challenge its existence, I feel like I’m going to battle with myself and each time I break through it feels like another weight has been lifted and I’m able to move more freely.
As children we found ways to protect ourselves from vulnerability, from being hurt, diminished, and disappointed. We put on armor; we used our thoughts, emotions and behaviours as weapons; and we learned how to make ourselves scarce, even to disappear. Now as adults we realize that to live with courage, purpose, and connection - to be the person whom we long to be - we must again be vulnerable. We must take off the armour, put down the weapons, show up and let ourselves be seen. (Daring Greatly - Brene Brown)
The hidden inner self just trying to find a way to be seen. (EXIF data f4.5, 1/1250s, 100mm, ISO2000).
And Breathe….
Koenig finishes up his discussion of alazia by acknowledging that when you’re close to death you often remove all the shields and expose the real you - I have to say that I definitely intend to get there long before death comes around. To me that would feel like the ultimate regret - to be free of all the shields and armour and not be able to enjoy a life of connection and weightlessness.
I’m finding that the older I get the less I’m worried about what other people think of me - I’m not feeling the need to don new shields or masks or personas (or even old ones!). I’m definitely at a place in my life where “what you see is what you get” - no more sugar coating or trying to show up in a way to make everyone around me comfortable - that’s not my role.
I spent a long career in a very male dominated field in the corporate world and in a senior role that was often uncharted territory for women, or at the very least slim pickings for role models or mentors. There was always a fine balance between trying to fit in and standing up for myself and always a fear of being labeled as “one of the guys” or heaven forbid a “dragon lady” or worse.
I really like where I am right now - more honest with myself and allowing the more soft and tender parts of me to show up. This feels like a very good time to be me and I sometimes wonder if this is all part of the second half of life stuff.
I’m curious if any of this resonates with you and if so what are your thoughts? I’d love for you to share in the comments below or drop me a line by clicking on the Connect With Me button.
Beautiful morning colours over a vast prairie landscape. (EXIF data f4.8, ISO1400, 1/100s, 130mm).
I hope you’ll come back soon, share a cuppa, relax and enjoy more of my musings.
