Pieces of me
(click on images to view them full size)
Jigsaw puzzles.
This one is very personal and nerve wracking as I feel very exposed and vulnerable sharing these thoughts, but it has also been a really valuable writing exercise to work through some of these thoughts.
I have been a fan of making jigsaw puzzles for a long time - growing up I was so fascinated by the way pieces fit together that I would make the same puzzle over and over again. Adding constraints to make it more difficult - like no putting together straight edge border pieces until the centre has been completed, starting with the toughest part first and then when all of those constraints are no longer challenging there is the turn it over and make the puzzle without looking at the picture version. Everything had a place and when you chose the right pieces they fit together so well. I enjoyed figuring out how to make it all come together.
I used to hate jigsaw puzzles with weird straight edge pieces that were part of the interior of the puzzle - they never seemed to fit well and quite frankly they were confusing. I suppose it’s no surprise that growing up I thought of myself as a series of jigsaw puzzle pieces - so many different pieces of me that I thought were supposed to fit together, however like those weird puzzles with the weird interior piece shapes - there were pieces that I didn’t think fit well and I’d try to avoid/ignore them. When I did an inventory of the different pieces of me the list goes on and on.
For example, here’s a partial list:
Sometimes what all the pieces inside feels like. (Photoshop collage)
Confident leader Pam who is knowledgable and well read.
Counterpoint to Bossy know it all Pam who can be a bit of a braggart (that’s The Judge, my internal critic talking).
There is also Uptight Pam who is actually shy, introverted Pam and scared of being vulnerable.
Let’s not forget Fun loving and carefree Pam who has often been tightly controlled by Uptight Pam. She’s the one who loves to dance and sing and be silly.
There’s also Caring/loving Pam who just wants to connect.
Observant Pam who quietly sits and sees things that most people miss by watching people and their reactions.
Don’t forget Angry Pam who sometimes lashes out and says hurtful things and then regrets it afterwards. Usually she’s more angry at herself.
Oh and Creative Pam who’s artistic and talented when she’s allowed out to play.
There’s Active Pam who loves what her body is capable of and likes to push her limits.
Followed closely by Slug Pam who could just sit around and do nothing -doesn’t want to move or make any effort.
A close friend of Slug Pam is Food Obsessed Pam who eats and eats hoping to numb difficult feelings, but it’s never enough and then she feels bad for overeating or eating junk.
Spiritual Pam who is in awe of the amazing world around her and can be mesmerized watching the wonders of nature.
The list goes on……
This is just a partial list of all the different pieces and parts of me and my personality. Some of them are not flattering and like those puzzle pieces I thought were weird shaped, confusing and didn’t seem to fit (my idea of not fitting) - I wanted to ignore or put aside these pieces of me. My rationale being out of sight out of mind - they no longer exist.
Labels
The orphaned pieces of ourselves can create a distorted version. (Photoshop collage)
We often label the different parts of ourselves as good or bad - so subjective and so tied to childhood experiences. In past generations children were to be seen and not heard - just think of all those children with childish joy being suppressed because it was a “bad” part of them. There’s the adult that tells us what we’ve created doesn’t look correct or that we need to draw inside the lines, so suddenly we’re not creative - there goes that part of ourselves into the shadows. Then there are times when children are admonished to not cry - basically don’t feel your feelings and if you can’t stop feeling them, then for heaven’s sake don’t express them.
No wonder we can end up feeling like a disparate group of personality pieces with some of them being considered undesirable or not aligned with the image of ourselves that we want the world to see. When we tag parts as good or bad - shame can make us feel the “bad” parts are not worthy of recognition and so we try to orphan them (disassociate ourselves from them) and this creates a distorted mask of who we really are that we then present to the world.
We can spend so much time trying to perfect the version of ourselves we want to project to the world and hide away the pieces that don’t fit with that ideal that it’s possible to lose sight of who we are inside.
We either own our stories (even the messy ones), or we stand outside of them—denying our vulnerabilities and imperfections, orphaning the parts of us that don’t fit in with who/what we think we’re supposed to be, and hustling for other people’s approval of our worthiness. Perfectionism is exhausting because hustling is exhausting. It’s a never-ending performance. (Brene Brown - Daring Greatly)
Shadow Self
Tree branch shadows cast on a window blind. (EXIF data F4.5, 1/125s, 70mm, ISO320)
The reality is that all of these different pieces are an integral part of me and while I’ve tried to ignore or orphan various unwanted pieces of my personality over the years, they are all still part of me with a tendency to pop up unannounced at the most inconvenient of times. These orphaned parts are sometimes called the Shadow Part or Shadow Self as they still exist at a subconscious level.
We can try to suppress these shadow parts of ourselves, but eventually they come out in uncontrolled ways and often it is during times of stress or heightened emotions.
Ever hear someone say “that’s not like me at all!” or “I don’t know where that came from!” - these are good indicators of these shadow parts showing up.
I liken it to my subconscious collecting all of these orphaned parts of me and giving them a place to call home just below my conscious mind - they’re there, but I’m not actively aware of them (I think I’ve booted them to the curb long ago). They’re hanging out and waiting for an opportunity to come along where they can make a big impact appearance and show themselves and trust me - they do!
This is a bit like the shadows in a photograph - there might not be a lot of detail apparent, but they’re still there. In fact I’ve found that the more I try to suppress or orphan these parts of myself the more explosive their appearance can become (think of the donkey in Shrek - “pick me!! pick me!!”).
Shadow work
Late evening shadowy figure at sunset. (iPhone photo)
Shadow work is about really seeing and acknowledging all of these different parts of ourselves and not judging, but allowing their presence and integrating them back into our conscious self. The reintegration is about acceptance and self love of all aspects of ourselves.
These parts have been living in our unconscious (shadow) mind - sort of exiled there because of these “bad” labels we’ve given them. Not all of the shadow parts are what would be considered “bad”, in fact some people can repress the creative or playful parts of themselves or even the parts that take accountability and stand up for themselves by having difficult conversations. It can get pretty complicated very easily.
One of my favourite photographers and YouTube filmmaker come author is Sean Tucker. I really enjoy his perspective which often gets me thinking more deeply about my situation and how I can grow. Ironically, he just published one of his quarterly magazines (Parable) about Shadow Work and while he primarily talks about shadows in his photography, he also goes into depth around how the shadows in our lives help to shape us and teach us valuable lessons. I have a link to his website on the resources page and it is worth having a look at his videos and writings - The Meaning in the Making is an excellent book for all creatives.
The darkest times teach us vulnerability, humility, compassion and presence. The shadows we pass through strip us of our ego’s ugly entitlement; that whispering inner voice that suggests life should always work in our favour. Those darker seasons strengthen and soften us. They help to clarify in our minds what truly matters, and turn us into people with more to give. (Sean Tucker - Parable 5 Shadow Work)
Reintegration
Richard Rohr in his book Falling Upwards talks about the need to do shadow work before you’re ready for second half of life work (see blog post). I think he means that before you can go looking to use your skills in meaningful ways in your community or the world at large - you have to get your own house in order and that includes accepting yourself fully.
One of the parts of myself that I orphaned was my creativity - I think that very technical people can often do this. Something triggers the thoughts that you aren’t artistic or creative - in my case it was several live performances that went very wrong (one was singing live and very off key at a coffee house evening at 17 years old - remembering it still makes me cringe). I have started to sing again at church this past year and sometimes I get so emotional - I’m not sure if it’s the lyrics or feelings of regret that it’s taken me this long to find my voice again.
Reintegration is like finding all of those delicate branches covered with hoar frost with a beauty and value all of their own. (EXIF data f5.6, 1/400s, 100mm, ISO125, +1.33EV)
As a result of my teenage “failure”, I focused on what I felt were my strengths (technical things) and I convinced myself that the artistic and creative parts of myself didn’t exist or weren’t of value.
Reintegration of these parts into my conscious life has been very humbling and also very exciting. Feeling the rush of adrenaline when I create photographs that capture my emotions in the moment is difficult to explain, but it is almost a euphoric feeling. Sometimes I can’t believe that I created that image.
I think that finding lost pieces of myself and looking at them through adult eyes can help me to acknowledge and understand their purpose and reason for being. Reintegration also seems to soften these shadow parts - when they aren’t hidden then they don’t have to make a big show when they make an appearance.
Where am I heading with this?
This post has gone in some different directions than I originally intended, which feels scary and vulnerable, but also ok. What does this all mean? Well I’m spending time exploring all of the pieces of me and trying on parts that have long been set aside - seeing if they fit the current version of me and not surprisingly they all do - some are those inner straight edged or funny shaped pieces, but they all have a place - I just sometimes have to be patient while I figure out where they fit. I’m also finding some hidden gems that I had forgotten about - parts that seemed “bad” or misaligned with who I thought I should be - these are now the parts that I’m getting reacquainted with and coming to really enjoy getting to know.
I really like that Walt Whitman quote in the Ted Lasso series - Be Curious - Not Judgemental - I wrote about it here. That’s what I’m trying to do with all the pieces of me.
I’m curious what your thoughts are about this post and I’d love to hear them in the comments below or if you’d prefer to reach out to me directly by clicking on the Connect With Me button.
Emerging from the shadows into the light brings its own mystery, beauty and fascination. (EXIF data f9, 100mm, 1/160s, ISO100)
I hope you’ll come back soon, share a cuppa, relax and enjoy more of my musings.
