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Showing my age.

In 2001 Amanda Marshall released an album and song of the same name - Everybody’s Got a Story. I have been a long time fan of Marshall’s sound and lyrics and this one always struck a chord with me.

Now who can read the mind of the redheaded girl next door
Or the taxi driver who just dropped you off
Or the classmate that you ignore
Don't assume everything on the surface is what you see
Cause that classmate just lost her mother
And that taxi driver's got a PhD

I'm so tired of the fear
That weighs us down with wrong assumptions…

Everybody’s got a story that can break your heart.

(Everybody’s Got a Story - Amanda Marshall)

This song has always resonated with me because I feel that we (let’s be honest - I) often make assumptions of people based upon first impressions.

I make judgements based upon the way people look or act or talk - I know it’s cliche, however the saying don’t judge a book by its cover still rings true today.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m a strong introvert and people often interpret my demeanour as standoffish or cool, but it’s actually shyness mixed in with a preference of getting to know people slowly before diving in and interacting.

I also do much better in small groups due to a life long hearing loss - so I might not be ignoring you - I might not have heard you, but most people don’t know this and wouldn’t necessarily attribute my lack of response to a hearing loss.

How many times have I made those kind of in the moment decisions about someone - decisions that have affected our interactions and potentially our ability to connect.

It’s easy to say don’t make judgements, however we have all sorts of built in filters that we employ without even realizing it.

Breaking those false assumptions

It is common for our brains to try and make sense of things when there is missing information and often this is based upon our cultural biases and life experiences. If we’re not careful and challenge those assumptions then we can head down some pretty strange paths.

Peoples’ stories are usually much more complex than we can gather from observation or casual conversations. Allowing for alternate possibilities than we come up with in our minds and even challenging those assumptions by asking questions of the person (if appropriate) can help to dispel misconceptions and misunderstandings.

Getting curious is a great way of breaking those false assumptions - seriously fact checking your “story”. Sometimes this is easier said than done - for example, my husband is great at just coming out and asking people questions in a manner that seems to break down barriers and not be offensive or intrusive and by doing this he clarifies situations and makes connections much more easily than I do. I am a bit envious of this skill that he has and often try to emulate it with varying degrees of success.

I come from a background where it is considered rude and intrusive to come out asking questions - it is also a cultural aspect of not wanting to intrude on someone’s privacy, but it makes it much more difficult and laborious to clarify and correct assumptions.

I’m really working on getting curious and overcoming my hesitancy to ask questions - I’m a pretty good observer and I can pick up a lot of unspoken cues, but sometimes my interpretation is off, so building up the habit of seeking confirmation through conversation and questions is really helpful.

Maybe a blend of the observer and information seeker would serve me best.

I love this definition by John Koenig - for me it sums up this blog post perfectly and I’m always looking for cool new words:

My new favourite word: Sonder: the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background. (The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows - John Koenig)

Adam Grant’s take on sonder. It’s the profound awareness that every person you encounter has experienced a lifetime of hopes, fears, loves, and heartaches that you’ll never know. Each moment of sonder is a reminder to appreciate how little we truly grasp about others’ lives. - Adam Grant.

(full disclosure here - I originally credited sonder to Adam Grant’s version which I saw on social media. Ironically I was talking to my friend Heather and mentioned this upcoming blog post which she inspired. I proudly sent her a snippet with the sonder definition included - her responding text came back at light speed letting me know that sonder comes from John Koenig and not Adam Grant. I am grateful for this exchange because I always try to ensure correct credit is given and also because I have now found a delightful new book which sits on my bedside table to be enjoyed - it’s my new favourite book!)

First time meetings

Ever think back to the first time you met someone you had been interacting with for a while - either through email, long distance online meetings or other remote circumstances? Did your assumptions of the person match the reality when you did meet?

I know that I can often be surprised when someone doesn’t react the way I expect and often it is because of stories that I’ve made up to fill in missing gaps that our interactions haven’t been able to bridge.

When I went to Nova Scotia earlier this year I had the good fortune to meet up with Heather who I have known online through a photography forum for several years. We’ve even co-administered an online Canada group and we communicate regularly as well as text and have zoom meet ups. Our relationship has always been very respectful and easy going and I have a sense that we’ve both spent time trying to learn about the other person without being overly intrusive.

When we met in person it felt like we’d known each other much longer than we have because we’ve shared some pretty candid parts of our creative process with each other over the past few years. We’re both open and honest and very grounded (i.e., what you see is what you get sorts of people - there’s no making up a persona for either of us which I fear sometimes happens when we hide behind a computer screen).

However, I was still quite surprised when we started chatting about our backgrounds and shared some of our stories. I realized that I had this mental view of Heather that didn’t match her reality because I have not known her in person and therefore my brain filled in all sorts of gaps based upon my background and life experience. Her upbringing and life history has informed a lot of her career choices where she chose to work with marginalized populations and youth and I had no way of knowing these things. Getting to know her more fulsome story filled in my version of her story with wonderful gems and rich colourful anecdotes and obviously this trip made all sorts of new shared experiences to add to each of our stories.

It was a good reminder to me that it is through shared experience that we really get to know people - not through limited interactions that don’t allow us to really know someone’s story. Remember your teenage crush on a pop star - how reading about them could make you feel like you “know” them? That’s another form of making up stories that we do.

The mystery revealed

Heather did a great photography series called Foot Traffic and she had an exhibition of her work earlier in the fall. The series consisted of images of people’s footwear with them entering or leaving the frame. These images contained such mystery and questions about where they were going to/coming from and why that choice of footwear. My favourite image was of a couple’s feet - one in Wellington boots and one in glamorous heels. This was an image of her son and his then fiancé - the only posed image in the series, but one fully representative of their preferences in dressy attire!

Then there was Pam (not me) our wonderful gourmet cook at the Kingsbrae Photography retreat in St Andrews by the sea. Not only was she an amazing cook, but also very sensitive to guests’ needs - remembering the special requirements and preferences of each group member. She also spoke of catering for a Writers’ Retreat and their preference and need for quiet (she liked the more talkative photographers in our group).

As we got to chat with her over the course of the week we learned that she used to be the head chef in a very fancy restaurant in Halifax and that she also owned her own restaurant in St Andrews before taking on the private catering role at KIRA. Another example of a rich story that is only revealed through time and shared experiences.

What’s our story?

As with most people, I have parts of my story that are not readily apparent, or known to just a few people. They are not things I’m embarrassed about or concealing - just things that don’t come up in normal conversations. For example I have successfully started several engineering consulting companies, there is also my love of eating roasted eggplant (my friend Maya is rolling her eyes as she reads this) and as I mentioned that I am virtually deaf in one ear (a fact that my husband often finds frustrating as I sleep with my “good” ear to the pillow thus allowing me to sleep through early morning Roxy meows).

How do you avoid making assumptions and inadvertently creating false stories about the people you meet? Do you ever people watch and come up with outrageous stories about what is happening (Kory and I do that sometimes and wow can our imaginations run wild)? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this in the comments below or reach out to me by clicking on the Connect With Me button.

I hope you’ll come back soon, share a cuppa, relax and enjoy more of my musings.