The Stories We Tell Ourselves
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How our brain works to make sense?
Well I’ve been contemplating this post for a while now (read that to mean that this is a sticky topic for me and I’ve been avoiding committing my thoughts to paper or to screen - so to speak). It is amazing the way our brains work and I’ve been spending a lot of time recently reading and trying to learn more about neurobiology and how we’re wired to think and react to situations we encounter.
Street art in Reykjavik, Iceland.
The brain is a complex and magical organ and as humans we live in the world of storytelling. Our lives are rich with autobiographical stories and we don’t like confusion or unexplained pieces. As a result our brains will fill in any gaps with what seems reasonable - that is the big challenge because what seems reasonable may not in fact be the truth, but it feels like the truth to us. What complicates things is when we repeat that “truth” and embed it in our minds - the story evolves and becomes more real even though it may be based on assumptions that we’ve made.
Think for a moment about what happens when you see a couple sitting on a bench in a park and they turn to each other with serious expressions and begin to talk animatedly. You can’t hear them and you only have your observations to go on. What story will your brain make up? Are they a couple dating and in the middle of a serious conversation about a big life decision? Are they in a long term relationship and contemplating separating or splitting up? What if they are actually strangers and just having a casual conversation that turns into a spirited debate? Or what if it is not any of these?
Imagining a couple sitting down by the river.
We’ve just spent time conjuring up explanations for what we see without any real understanding of the truth of the situation. How often do we do that in our own lives? For me it is often - I like to be prepared and anticipate situations I encounter and I’ve built a skill of being able to “read the room” (it’s sort of my super power), but sometimes I don’t get it right at all and that can get me into trouble.
I had a great book recommendation (please continue to make recommendations!) by Adnan who is a fan of Ian McEwan. As I finished reading Atonement by Ian McEwan (which I really enjoyed) it occurred to me that the premise of the book is the stories we tell ourselves.
Without ruining the plot - it is about a young girl who sees her sister and male friend in several compromising situations and she makes up a story in her head about what is happening in order to make sense of the events she witnesses.
This leads to serious consequences when this story takes on a life of its own and is applied to an actual event - this false story permanently alters the course of five lives.
It was not simply her eyes that told her the truth. It was too dark for that. Even Lola’s face at eighteen inches was an empty oval, and this figure was many feet away, and turned from her as it moved back around the clearing ... The truth was in the symmetry ... The truth instructed her eyes. (the truth was in fact not true) - Ian McEwan (Atonement)
Here the main character sees something, but it is dark and her mind fills in the blanks of what is happening and who is present - she believes that this is the truth when in fact it is not.
The negative impact of not fact checking these stories
Meal preparation.
I sometimes find myself making up stories with my husband Kory and when I don’t check in with him to make sure that my assumptions are correct it can go very wrong. Our misalignment can result in me feeling resentful or angry about my interpretation of his actions (think something as simple as me asking for help making dinner and Kory not hearing me - leading to me making up a story about him ignoring me on purpose and expecting me to make dinner alone which then can escalate to he never helps or he’s not interested in helping) - clearly not true (Kory doesn’t ignore me and often helps or makes meals himself), but our brains tend to accept what gets filled in rather than challenging it.
The way to combat these stories from escalating into misalignments and potentially arguments is to fact check them - to question their origin and validity by asking the other person for clarification and if that’s not possible just give the other person the benefit of the doubt. When I do that it is amazing how easy it is to get back into alignment. In the example above, I asked if he heard me and his response that he was listening to something, or engrossed in an article and didn’t hear is enough to put those stories to rest.
Another way that this has manifested for me is in my self talk and the stories that I make up about myself. I have started working out (link to strength training) and strength training which I really enjoy, however when I started there were all sorts of stories running around in my head about how I can’t do too much weight or I’ll injure my back, or I’m not the kind of person who can lift heavy weight. These limiting stories are the result of past experiences or past messages that I received and internalized.
I’m now taking time to challenge these stories and assumptions by learning proper techniques and pushing myself gradually to do more. As I build positively on my experience, I am finding that the stories are changing and the negative limiting messages are fading away. The new stories are that I am getting stronger and I am able to lift more weight as I learn new skills. It’s very empowering and much more positive.
It’s tough to break old patterns
While it’s admittedly tough to break old patterns I have found that there is a sequence or flow that seems to be effective for me which includes:
bringing the habit or thought into awareness - now this may seem obvious, but until I’m aware of a habit or thought it is a blind spot for me and I have no ability to challenge and/or modify it.
decide if it is serving me positively or is something I want to change - being intentional about the things I want to change or work on is important as it’s easy to become overwhelmed or focus on the wrong things.
reflect on what behaviours or situations support the habit, or what led to a thought pattern - reflection is important for me to determine what contributes to the behaviour or thought pattern so that I can identify what changes will be effective
set up alternate behaviours or thought patterns to lead to a different outcome - once all the previous steps are in place I find that this is easier to accomplish and more sustainable.
Often this is not a complicated or long process. To give an example of how I do this, I have been changing up my eating patterns to help support building strength and reducing symptoms of menopause. I spent a month just tracking what I eat and my activity level to get a baseline of where I am right now and also to understand areas that might benefit from some changes.
Image of a leaf group hanging on by a thread.
Full disclosure, I have a long history (as do many other people) of getting motivated to lose weight - sticking to different “diets” or “eating plans” - being successful and then within a few years being back to where I was before I started. I’ve done Weight Watchers 2 times, Scottish Slimmers (essentially the same as Weight Watchers), and Fit Metabolism (macro counting - tracking protein, carbs, fats and calories).
I achieved my goal weight each time, however it wasn’t sustainable for very long and then I’d go back to my old eating habits.
It often felt like I was hanging onto my goals by a thread.
I’ve noticed that with my mindfulness exploration and all of the work I’ve been doing to figure out my retirement transition, that I was mentally ready to make a change and create sustainable habits. What’s different you might ask - well I think for starters that beginning a fitness/strength training program that I’m really enjoying has been a game changer. I find myself enjoying the challenge and appreciating what my body is capable of doing. Starting this habit and getting it embedded has been very positive, so I’m building on an upbeat winning cycle.
In addition a friend of mine (thanks Maya!) got me started tracking my macros again using an app that is very easy to use. After spending that month tracking what I ate - not trying to change anything - I found some interesting habits and trends. It was such an interesting experience and very revealing (this is the bringing the habit or thought into awareness stage).
Weigh scale
My caloric intake was on the low side of 1100 - 1200 calories a day with some days of much higher intake (binge days) and my protein level was very low between 50-60 g/day. Prior to gathering this data I had thought that it wasn’t possible for me to lose weight or change my body composition. I also thought that I was a pretty healthy eater.
I started a macros training course called Macros 101 which revealed I’ve been in a caloric deficit for such an extended period of time that my body has gone into metabolic adaptation (that is it’s slowed down and doesn’t efficiently burn the calories I’m taking in - and in actuality tends to store them as fat).
I decided to forgo trying to lose weight in order to make some changes to my eating habits (this is step 2 - deciding to make a change). For example I increased my caloric intake by 100 calories per week over an 8 week period - I’m now eating 1950 calories/day and continuing to increase weekly until I reach a maintenance level (i.e., starting to gain weight and inches). I’ve also increased my protein intake to 140 g/day and I feel that my energy level is so much higher. I’m also finding that my workouts are easier and I’m building muscle.
I have come to realize that fat loss may not be my goal, but rather building muscle and changing my body composition to reduce my fat stores (this is step 3 - reflection). I’m still in step 4 which is setting up alternate behaviours that are sustainable.
Where is this leading?
I think that this process has been good for me to understand that I am ready and motivated for my centurion decathlon as Peter Attia refers to it in his book Outlive (he talks about being prepared to live a good life well into our 80’s and 90’s rather than just living longer).
Using my “guypod” to balance a long lens.
One of my centurion decathlon goals is to be able to lift photography equipment well into my 90’s and in order to do that I need to be preparing now by eating well, sleeping well and building muscle/strength.
In addition, health and fitness has been linked to brain health and there are possible side benefits of retarding or preventing dementia by ensuring good blood circulation to the brain (link to dementia post). This is also important to me.
I recognize that my goals have changed as has my approach to achieving them. I am much more realistic and intentional about the goals I set and I also realize that I’m not chasing a number on a scale, but I’m focusing on how I feel in terms of energy levels and abilities.
How will I be successful?
I recognize that in order to achieve my centurion decathlon goals that I will need to stay focused and not get distracted by stories that I make up. Messages telling me that I can’t achieve this goal, that I’m not going to be around that long, or this is hard and not what I want to be doing during retirement are all self sabotaging messages which are not helping me to achieve my goals.
I spend time reflecting on positive affirmations to help fact check those stories that I make up and I’m finding that this is having the positive effect of keeping me motivated and on track.
Have you made any lifestyle changes since retiring, or are you contemplating making any changes? I’d love to hear about your thoughts and approach to this topic as people usually approach it from a variety of perspectives and I’m always open to learning and growing.
Morning misty light in the Glacier Lagoon, Iceland - I want to be photographing scenes like this well into the future.
I hope you’ll come back soon, share a cuppa, relax and enjoy more of my musings.
