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Polar vortex forecast

Last week we experienced a long spell of very extreme cold that was called a polar vortex in the weather forecasters’ jargon (daytime highs of -30C with windchills into the -40’s and nighttime lows down towards -50C). 

I hadn’t been outside in a few days and that is really unusual for me as I like to get out daily for walks with and without my camera.  It’s my creative outlet and my way of staying active.

Initially I like these cold snaps that force us to stay indoors as I get to do things that I usually put off - like bulk cooking to stock the freezer with soups and stews (my favourite meal when it’s cold), reading a good book, playing board games or catching up on admin things or photo editing and courses.  It is wonderful to have dedicated time to do these things for a few days and then......I find myself looking longingly out the window and starting to feel trapped.

Trapped leads to feeling a bit off and then the irritability sets in - if I’m not careful that leads to biting remarks and generally not being fun to be around. 

The problem is that during times like this “cabin fever” seems to affect everyone - my husband and even the cat!  We’re grumpy and easily provoke each other.

Generally our solution is to make the effort and get outside even for a short time to just change up our environment - we even take the cat for car rides to give her a change of scenery during these long cold spells. It usually works to ground me and help me reframe my thoughts and how I view things.

Drawing parallels with retired life.

I noticed a similar trend when I stopped working.  The first few weeks were very novel and I got to do so many of the things that I had been longing to have time to do like taking walks in the middle of the day, reading books and cooking healthy delicious meals. 

It was wonderful until suddenly I started to notice that I was feeling a little off - in a bit of a rut - a little grumpy and irritable.  Things that normally would not bother me were like fingernails scraping down a chalkboard.

I hoped that this was a passing phase of the transition, but it continued to drag on and I would have days of retirement bliss punctuated by bursts of irritability.  My husband usually bore the brunt of these irritable outbursts as he was around me most of the time and I was not happy with the way I was behaving (I imagine he wasn’t either!).

I felt like something was missing, like this irritation was about something deeper, so I did what I do - I researched it. 

I started reading books about happiness which led me to books about burnout and then I stumbled across a series of books by Daniel Siegel, a neuropsychiatrist and co-author of the book The Whole-Brain Child. It is an excellent read and I recommend it to adults with or without children as a great way to learn about how our minds develop and work.  One section that really resonates with me is about navigating the waters of well-being by visualizing yourself floating down a river in a boat with one bank being rigidity (where you’re trying to control everything) while the other bank is chaos (which is full of overwhelming feelings).  I could really relate as I felt I was living this!

“So one extreme is chaos, where there’s a total lack of control. The other extreme is rigidity, where there’s too much control, leading to a lack of flexibility and adaptability. We all move back and forth between these two banks as we go through our days - especially as we’re trying to survive parenting (I’d argue trying to survive life). When we’re closest to the banks of chaos or rigidity, we’re farthest from mental and emotional health. The longer we can avoid either bank, the more time we spend enjoying the river of well-being. Much of our lives as adults can be seen as moving along these paths - sometimes in the harmony of the flow of well-being, but sometimes in chaos, in rigidity or zigzagging back and forth between the two. Harmony emerges from integration. Chaos and rigidity arise when integration is blocked.”

At times I felt like I was in the zone and floating along effortlessly in the middle of the river and then suddenly I was feeling stuck in a rut and focused on order and control or alternatively I felt like things were in upheaval and overwhelmingly chaotic.  When I was bouncing off either bank was when those feelings of irritability bloomed and I felt stuck.

Reaching out and gaining perspective.

I started talking to friends and mental health professionals about how I was feeling and I even started to joke about how I’d been working on fulfilling my retirement fantasies. 

That prompted some odd looks - retirement fantasies?  Tell me more! 

Fantasy #1 was a clear vision of a beautiful warm summer morning with the sun rising and casting a golden glow over our front patio.  Kory (my husband) and I sitting in the wicker chairs with sunny yellow cushions drinking a morning coffee and having deep thoughtful conversations.  The first morning that we did this was blissful. 

Fantasy #2 was having the time to reorganize the storage room.  It had become the dumping ground and we could hardly find anything  anymore (ok I didn’t say they were sexy fantasies!). 

Fantasy #3 was planning an amazing photography focused trip to Kenya (more on that in another post).  I kept thinking that fulfilling these “fantasies” would makes me feel content with retirement, but the problem was that they only filled a small portion of my days and there was large blocks of time where I didn’t feel content.

I have a very wise friend who after laughing about my description of retirement fantasies asked a very good question.  She asked, “When you thought about retirement what did a typical day look like in your mind?”  I hate when she asks these sorts of questions and even more when she makes me go away and think about it and even write things down.  I did go away and think - I thought a lot about what retirement looked like in my mind - I had done so much planning and preparation working through what I perceived to be the potential rough spots, so when I really gave it some thought - I realized that I had focused on discrete events/“fantasies” and I had glossed over the in between times - the day to day things that fill our lives and lead to contentment.

My therapist asked another probing question when I described my sudden bursts of irritability.  She wanted to know how many social interactions I was having a week (apart from Kory) now that I was retired and I answered proudly between 1 - 2 a week (that was part of the plan I developed prior to retirement).  She then asked how many I had when I was working and after a very long pause I said between 10 - 15 a day.

Breakthrough and key learnings.

It was like a shoe had dropped for me and I had a mental breakthrough.  I had planned and prepared for retirement in discrete activities without giving sufficient thought about how to fill in the in between times with meaningful enrichment. I also had not given enough weight to the importance of social connection for me.  As I’ve mentioned I’m an introvert and I often have to really push myself to get out and interact socially, but once I do I feel so good.  I have learned that connection is a core value for me and relationship is something that I need to cultivate and honour whether it’s a quick text, phone call or an in person visit.

My key takeaways from working through this is that it is important for me to remain balanced in order to have positive interactions and not drive my husband crazy with my zest for order and control or feeling overwhelmed in the often rapid unwinding of my thoughts. 

In order for me to remain in the centre flow of the river and not bounce between rigidity and chaos, I need to be mindful of the things I do to feed both my mind and my spirit.  Focusing on connection and giving space for re-energizing activities like photography, yoga, walking and one to one interactions really enable me to stay grounded and give meaningful enrichment to me during the in between times of the big activities like my retirement fantasies.

I have list of daily activities that I find fill me with contentment and it’s the first thing that I go back to when I’m feeling a bit off or in a rut. Things like journaling, exercise, self care like a skin moisturizing routine, dry eye care and doing PIES (physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual) check ins with Kory to which we’ve also added gratitude. These simple activities not only ground me, but keep me in the centre of the river.

I don’t always keep things balanced and I still have times where I bounce off the banks of Chaos and Rigidity, however I’m a bit more mindful of what’s happening and I have a better chance of slowing down and taking stock of how I’m feeling and what I need to do in order to get back into the flow.

Can you relate to the river analogy and the banks of chaos and rigidity? What do you do when you’re feeling off kilter to get back into the flow - I’d love to hear about it.

What have you found that’s worked well to ease into a major life transition like retirement? 

I hope you’ll come back soon, share a cuppa, relax and enjoy more of my musings.