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What is all or nothing mentality?

I think of peoples’ personalities or traits as being part of a spectrum and it is a fluid spectrum (i.e., I don’t think people act in one manner exclusively as we often identify ourselves), however I do believe that we have preferred approaches or manners. Back in this blog post (irritability, cabin fever and a breakthrough) I wrote about viewing the way we react to things like we’re floating down a river between the banks of rigidity and chaos. Going to either extreme puts us in an undesirable state where we’re either digging in our heels over every little thing or feeling totally overwhelmed. Being able to regulate your emotions allows you to recognize when you’re heading to either bank and move back into the middle of the river - to go with the flow so to speak.

I feel that the All or Nothing mentality is a bit like bouncing off the banks of rigidity and chaos. For me it is when my perfectionist tendencies start to take centre stage and I feel like I have to do things perfectly or don’t bother doing them at all. It’s when I don’t give myself credit for working at something - it also means that whether I succeed or learn something valuable from the miss doesn’t matter - unless I can go the distance and achieve the All state I hear a voice in my head say that I’ve failed.

It’s a very black and white perspective with no room for shades of gray.

So essentially the All or Nothing thought process or mentality is about thinking in extremes with no margin for error or failure at one end, contrasted with paralysis in the do nothing state at the other end.

An example of me in an All or Nothing state of mind is when I plan to do a sunrise photoshoot and I oversleep, so I’ve missed the actual sunrise and I tell myself that I’ll just skip the morning photoshoot because I’m too late and the light’s no good anymore.

I don’t acknowledge that this is factually incorrect and that I’ve had amazing photoshoots at any time of the day - I just need to approach the experience a bit differently.

In this case because I can’t achieve the All (i.e., turn back the clock and get up before sunrise) I opt for Nothing which results in me missing a creative opportunity.

Another example is around healthier eating and working out. I have a goal to eat healthier and workout at a specific time during the day, but I end up having a crazy busy day and I didn’t plan properly, so I end up overtired and hangry (hangry = a combination of hungry and angry). This results in my scarfing down everything in sight and then beating myself up for doing so - now I feel like my healthy eating plan is shot for the day and I convince myself that I might as well give up on the workout goal and just eat whatever and start again tomorrow.

Again the All or Nothing mentality means that I’m actually harming myself and not giving myself grace to make mistakes - as a result that learning opportunity is lost.

Living in the Gap

I think that the All or Nothing mentality is a great example of living in the gap - if you’ll recall I talked about this in the Macros Tracking post - you’re in the Gap when you dismiss/ignore or minimize the things that you have accomplished (like I still woke up relatively early and had all my photography equipment ready for a sunrise shoot, so it’s easy to get going now even though I’ll be later than desired. Or the valuable lesson that is learned about packing a snack when the day is looking busy or just doing that as a routine habit to prevent the grab whatever food I see).

When I frame it this way it is clear to me how living in the Gap is a deficit experience that doesn’t support my goals or make me feel good about my decisions and actions.

Living in the Gain is so much more empowering and motivating in that it helps to keep me moving forward to attain goals and enjoy the process, so that even if I don’t hit the goal I can appreciate all the little wins or learnings that I’ve gained along the way.

The gain is not simply achieving our goals, but the person we become in the process. - The Gap vs the Gain (Dan Sullivan)

The All or Nothing mentality is very binary and discounts or ignores anything positive that is gained - it is also responsible for a lot of negative self talk which is also very demotivating. This way of thinking really hinders progress and growth which is where I’m trying to focus my attention.

I need to continue to work on reprogramming my way of thinking. Instead of the All or Nothing - i.e., comparing total success with do nothing (this is gap thinking again), I should be thinking in terms of what is possible and then comparing where I started with where I am now (living in the gain). I need to really appreciate that something is always better than nothing when I’m working on learning something or growing.

For example when I bought a new intermediate flute to replace my student flute and I was faced with not being able to make a sound with an open holed flute. Some patience and good advice (as well as hole plugs) helped me to recognize what is possible in terms of improving my breathing and tone.

How to move to living in the Gain

In the book The Rise, Creativity, the Gift of Failure and the Search for Mastery, Sarah Lewis really encourages embracing failure not as a negative outcome, but rather as a learning experience which she calls a gift. I enjoy her perspective that play is a big part of growth and learning and I believe that she embraces living in the gain.

Play allows us to maintain curiosity while learning. - The Rise, Creativity, the Gift of Failure, and the Search for Mastery (Sarah Lewis)

So what am I doing to move beyond this rigid All or Nothing mentality? That is a good question and one that I have been pondering for some time. I find it easy to get stuck identifying how I’m in the Gap, but shifting to the Gain is a bit trickier.

I notice that I am getting better at recognizing that I’m going off track and moving into the Gap - awareness is the first step and an important one when I’m trying to make a change. When I get to the point of recognition/awareness then it is an opportunity to slow down - pause and do a reset mentally. I make an intentional decision to forget the recent past and focus on being in the present moment.

This requires me to give myself grace and embrace the “failure” with curiosity and use it as a learning opportunity instead of labelling myself as a failure (that even sounds harsh to my ears when I read that back).

Being able to recognize that I’m in the paralyzed perfectionist state - that I’m not moving anywhere as I wait for the stars to align and all the perfect conditions to appear is a powerful state of awareness. From this point I am usually able to start identifying what is preventing me from moving in any direction and I am then usually able to take just one step towards the goal - then I use the momentum to keep going.

I have a friend who often asks me what it would look like to make a 1% effort in any direction - 1% feels like a small effort and it can be enough of an incentive for me to overcome the inertia of the Gap. It’s not rocket science or anything fancy - it’s just recognizing behaviour patterns and barriers to taking baby steps forward.

Embracing Failure

Ack! Even typing that phrase feels challenging! This is one of the hardest, but most rewarding parts of living in the Gain. For me embracing the possibility of failure means being open to try new things and taking risks. It means being curious and allowing myself to grow by not defining myself by the outcome, but more relishing all the points along the way. Growth is about moving outside of my comfort zone which is uncomfortable and scary, but doing so has the potential to expand my comfort zone.

An example of me embracing the possibility of failure occurred in my strength training class. I was very apprehensive about trying progressive overload strength training as I didn’t know if I’d be able to keep up with the other class members or if my hip and back would handle the challenge, or I would end up injuring myself.

I pushed past my fears and signed up for the class and I ended up with an epic fail the second class. We were pushing a sled with weights piled on it and I chose to push the heavier sled even though I was getting tired. I started pushing, not maintaining good form and ended up twisting my upper body which resulted in a painful back spasm.

The gift of this failure was a recognition that I needed to listen to my body, use the proper technique and body position which has resulted in me being very conscious of body mechanics whenever we do this exercise. As a result I have been able to increase the weight that I can manage with this exercise and I’m strengthening my legs and core muscles - a definite positive/Gain outcome.

Building on this “failure”, I have also had epic successes such as finding out that I can do hip thrusts with 100lbs of weight across my hips and not experience back pain or injury. I have also been able to dead lift 155 lbs - these feel like huge achievements.

Where am I heading?

I now find myself regularly pushing boundaries more and being intentional about moving outside of my comfort zone. I also find myself routinely checking in with myself to make sure that I’m not pushing too far. Both of these results are because of “failures” and “successes”.

I am happy to keep being curious about finding that end point edge and I’m loving the way that my body is responding to the challenges, but the learning is to respect when I’m tired and know that not paying attention can have undesired consequences.

Are you living in the Gap or the Gain - are you able to move between them and cultivate growth? I’d love it if you’d share your experiences in the comments below or feel free to drop me a note by pressing the Connect With Me button.

I hope you’ll come back soon, share a cuppa, relax and enjoy more of my musings.